I didn’t realize I would be doing this in July, but I’m so glad I started doing this plan and I’m so glad I started blogging about it.  It feels like a good start in taking control of my life.  It has come at the cost of some of my favorite things to spend my time on, but that will change.  I needed time to figure everything out and to obsess over every little part of my life.

So, August is over and I intend to stop counting calories for the most part.  I will still be checking my calories on certain items and trying to keep my daily numbers low. But I think I have a decent handle on calorie density, how to structure my days, and what to avoid.  Should I start putting on weight at all, I will immediately go back to counting calories & fat.  I think it can be a useful tool in trying to get control of life.

Exercise is going very slowly.  I spent years getting to a point where I find movement difficult, so I can’t expect to undo that in a month.  I’m working on it, and my hope is that as I lose weight, getting exercise will only become easier.  I got a bike to just get my body moving because this area is not conducive to walking, but I may need to do some morning or afternoon laps between houses.  It will be boring, but that doesn’t matter.  It’s one of my biggest obstacles and I need to work on that.  When the bike is easier (it is difficult because of leg issues), I will be able to do that more.  I’m not giving up.

I’ve been thinking about what life will look like once I move from here.  I cannot get a clear view of it, but I know I will take some of my issues with me.  But I find that the more energy I have, and I have had a ton this month, the more I want to purge and reduce the things around me.  I find myself cleaning when I would have left things messy for months.  It’s almost like I’ve woken up.  My feelings about this are complicated.  I feel guilty for who I was when my parents were disabled.  I should have done better, but as usual I thought my time with them was unlimited.

If I’m really honest, I think the epiphany I’ve had is that I want to live.  And I’m not sure I cared before.  After witnessing the hardships my parents went through as disabled people, I don’t want to live in the same way.  I don’t want that future.  I cannot control everything that happens in life, but I can do better to make sure I’m healthy.  I can stop letting problems build up and consume me.

August was a great month.  I enjoyed my food, I enjoyed my routine, I enjoyed letting go of things I used to eat all the time.  And I managed to lose somewhere in the neighborhood of 15–20 pounds.  Because of the limits of my scale, I had to wait until I was under the maximum to start recording.  I actually will never know how heavy I was, but I do know it was over 400.  I worry everyday that my scale is not actually working and that I am not under, but that my scale is just making things up.  It will take me time to stop believing that.  It’s not a rational hangup, but it is something on which I dwell constantly.

I’m looking forward to the future.