It’s been an interesting couple of days.

I woke up yesterday feeling alarming good.  I was absolutely euphoric.  I couldn’t get my mind to settle down, but I didn’t really want to either.  I was filled with mental energy, and while I was still unable to do everything I would like to physically, I was just bursting with energy.  At a certain point, I became concerned.  It’s weird to be concerned by feeling good, but it didn’t feel right either. Around 9pm, I went from hyper to sleep almost immediately and slept well through the night.

Today, I’ve felt fantastic, but a little bit like my body had gone through something.  It’s almost like I had worked out all day.  I do wonder if I was on the verge of a migraine and never quite felt it.  That could explain the euphoria and the feeling I had today.  Still, I can’t help wonder if it isn’t the changes I’ve made in the last 12 days.  I’ve been keeping my calories down, and I’ve even had trouble eating up to 1200.  I have read that fasting can lead to some feelings of euphoria as your body enters ketosis.  I don’t really know.

Regardless, I’m glad that the high of yesterday didn’t result in an extreme swing today.  I still feel great.  Not in an unsettling way, but everything feels good right now.

I do intend to discuss the plan I’m doing.  I’ll outline everything with sources soon.  I’m not embarking on a plan of my own creation.  I’ll also discuss other aspects of my diet, including my seven years of veganism, the ten years of vegetarianism that preceded it, and the years I spent as a flexitarian.  Maybe that won’t be very interesting, but I think it informs a lot of what I’m doing with my weight loss plan.

I’ve been so focused on the minutia of creating plans for weight loss that I haven’t taken the time to outline some goals for myself.

I’m terrible at goal-setting.  I always want more of myself than I’m able to deliver and end up feeling frustrated and unmotivated.  Weight loss has been no different for me.  I’ve been setting weight loss goals for 25 years now, but the moment I feel discouraged I just give up on everything.  So I think I’m going to avoid strict goals and specifics.  I have ideas of what I want, but if I am not more realistic with myself, this will be just another failed attempt.

My motivation level is so different right now, and I hope that means I’ll be able to stick with a plan.  This is the same feeling I had when I decided to move to Alaska, when I decided to go vegan, and when I decided to publish my first book.  I’m more decisive than usual.  Ask anyone; I’m not great with making decisions.  I’m usually too concerned about being wrong, looking stupid, upsetting others.  Today, I don’t feel like that.  I feel like this is the thing I want to do.

I was talking to my friend Robert last night and one of the things he said really struck a chord.  He said that it was the perfect time for me to embark on this weight loss because my life is already going through so many transitions.  I had felt exactly that way about it, but I hadn’t landed on that articulation.  It’s precisely how I’m feeling right now.  Everything is in upheaval.  I hate that while it is happening, but ultimately I think it will result in some positive changes and a brighter future.

So, goals.

• feeling healthy
• fitting in better clothes, particularly jeans
• shopping in-store
• increased energy & stamina
• hiking (or walking around the lake at least)

I think that’s where I’ll leave it for now.  I have a lot of other thoughts, but a long list feels unmanageable.  These also feel like longer term goals mostly and that’s what I wanted to outline.  Short-term goals are easier in a way.

I feel optimistic.

Welcome to my search for health and fitness.

My name is Brian and I make a lot of excuses.  I’m always waiting for the best time to start taking care of myself, depending on others and waiting for all aspects of my life to be perfect before I can commit to exercise or eating well.  But those perfect times never arrive.  The people who are going to do the journey with me are never going to join in.  Life does not settle.

My 44th birthday was last week and it was a rough day.  I had ordered clothes for myself, clothes I needed for some upcoming projects where looking slightly better in necessary.  I decided to not play games and ordered my items two sizes larger than I needed, but when I tried them on nothing fit.  In some cases I blame poor quality control, but that doesn’t account for all of it and may in itself be an excuse.  I’m fat.  I’m too fat for the huge sizes I had ordered.  That was my breaking point.

After a small period of self-pity, I decided I had to do something about all of this.  I’m not happy and I still believe I deserve happiness.  But in waiting around for it to arrive, I seem to have forgotten that I have to do that for myself.  So, I’m doing that for myself.  I’m determined.  It feels dire.

My current weight is unknown.  I think it is close to 400 lbs, but it could easily be more.  My scale doesn’t go that high, but I will probably get a new one soon.  Until I know, I will just say I don’t.

My goal right now is to keep a daily food log, which I intend to put on this site as often as I can.  I am also working on strengthening with resistance bands and keeping my body moving with an exercise bike.  It’s a comfortable place to start, but I’m sure I will learn new things along the way and I’m sure I will change things as I figure it out.

I will be uploading photos throughout this process.  I’m not expecting anything amazing, but I’d like a record of progress.  I think it’s sometimes hard to see without photos.

This site is for myself.  If you are reading this, I am honored you are giving me some of your time.  If you wish to follow me, I would appreciate that greatly.  But everything I do here is for my own motivation and to hold myself accountable.

I’m looking forward to seeing where I can take myself.