This morning brought on a sense of calm I was missing for a couple of days. I slept so well. My legs felt drained and my mind clear. Brent has the thermostat set really low, almost too cold to be comfortable. But it makes sleep easy, and I felt like I could breath all night. My morning felt hopeful after that.
Last night, I spent hours talking to cousins again. It’s what one does when they haven’t spent time with people in many years. It was such a nice talk, but I did keep getting little reminders of how different our worldviews are. I was already aware of everyone’s fairly—or extremely—conservative views, but sometimes it came up in off-putting ways. I think the euphoria of the first day needed—demanded in fact—that kind of grounding. I don’t want to move forward in my relationship with my family members with some kind of façade layered on everything. They are real, tangible, flawed. All of that is what I appreciate most about them. I am all of those things too, and I would assume they’d feel similar about views I hold that oppose their own. I don’t voice those things though. I can handle being in a competitive talking environment, but I’m a spectator and not a participant.
We might stay here another day. That’s fine, but I didn’t pack clothes for that exactly. There is a washer & dryer here, so I could use that. I’ve been trying to stay here very gently. I don’t want to take up too much space or use things in the house. I realize Dad’s cousin is never here anymore, so she doesn’t care. But I know her. I know how she is and how she feels about things that I have trouble getting on board with. It’s Sunday and even in agreement there were guilt trips concerning going to service at her church this morning. I avoided her and the topic altogether. I didn’t pack for that, and I’m not really interested. I still might get dragged there, but I’d rather not. And I don’t want to feel guilty for that. I have the reasons I have for the decisions I make. And I won’t take judgment for that. So, we’re staying at her house. I don’t want to be disrespectful when I know me being here would bother her. It’s a weird position to be in. She’s always been like that though. I’m not coming to a new understanding; I’m just realizing what that means when it comes to asking for her hospitality. That said, she’d give it if I asked.
[Walk #123]
