The Wandering Hermit: Hat & Heels & Illusionary Fat Loss

Brian 17 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I went on a walk with Justin this afternoon. He’s been feeling sick, so we couldn’t do a full 2 miles, but he did a mile and a half. I think that’s pretty good. He went to his room to sleep the rest of the day, but that was likely his plan anyway.

I feel like going to local parks and walking as many as possible for a while. Maybe mixing that with my usual walks in the morning… maybe doing those in addition to the morning walks. It’s just so much better on my feet to not be on gravel, but I do miss my usual walks. It’s been almost a week since I did one out here. I’ll try to get one in tomorrow morning. Change is uncomfortable, even when it doesn’t matter. Walking the paved sidewalks just felt so good, I could have done twice as much as I normally do. I need to pay attention to those sorts of things. Wherever I can increase distance without overdoing it, I need to do that.

I need more hats. I’m trying to get used to wearing hats more. I like the look of them and they do protect me from the sun. If I’m going to be spending increasing time outside when the sun is up, I need to wear hats when I walk. I’m wondering if my 5:00am walks are over for now. It is my favorite time for a walk, but it’s already too dark now. If I was going to a gym, I could continue, but I think I might need to push back to 6 or 6:30. I don’t love that, but I can still get up and do things at 5. I just need to shuffle around my routine.

Okay, I need to get more work on my sides. I’m not sure what to do exactly. I know I can just look it up, and I will. But it is apparent I need more work on that.

Over the weekend, I lost too much weight. I had lost 7 extra pounds since last Thursday, which I felt was too fast. I actually had that revelation while showering on Monday morning. I just felt like I had lost too much and I wasn’t feeling great about it. I was eating, but I just felt off. I confirmed that Tuesday when I noticed I’d lost 7 pounds. Rapid weight loss is fine, but if it is too rapid that can cause a lot of problems. In the hopes it was an illusion caused by dehydration, I got some higher calorie foods and just packed in calories for the day. When I woke up this morning, things made more sense. It looked like I had lost 2 pounds since last Thursday, which is more reasonable. I also feel a lot better than I did… and I wan’t feel bad per se. I was just feeling a little off. I felt like the fat was decreasing, but not correctly. I was drinking a ton of water, but it’s dry out there. I think it might have just been dehydration. I’m back to normal eating and I’ll just have to wait to see what next Monday’s weight is. I’m taking this morning’s as my end of week. I just don’t trust Tuesday’s, even though it would be nice. I never want to do anything illusionary or so quickly that I make myself sick.

[Walk #126]

The Wandering Hermit: Obesity: Let’s Talk About It

Brian 8 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Does obesity have meaning anymore?

I’ve been overweight for my entire adult life, and obesity is a word that gets thrown around a lot when discussing weight. It’s one that is meant to have a specific meaning, but is as hollow and vague as overweight these days. And it’s the more upsetting sounding of the two, and so a lot of folks have a strong aversion to being called obese, even if it is clinically correct. But I think it’s really a problem of messaging. I’ve just now gone from Obese class III to Obese class II. I both feel like celebrating that and I still need to acknowledge that I cannot stop and smell the flowers here. I need to be visitor here at this weight category. I won’t even be considered less than obese until I’m under 200 pounds, something I’m not sure is possible at this point. I’ll keep working my way down there, but my meal plan is what it is at this point and the calorie deficit is less and less deficient every day. I won’t be considered “Normal” weight until 169 pounds, and that just seems silly actually. I haven’t been that weight since middle school probably. It sounds like a child’s weight to me because it was for me. I have no idea what weight I will settle at.

Obesity is on the rise. Severe obesity (BMI of 40+) is trending upward at a slightly lower rate, but that’s where I lived for many years. Now that I am in the regular obesity classes, I just feel like the language we use about these issues makes no sense. It does nothing to explain to a person like me that at 150 pounds heavier, it is hard to lift your legs and it might be hard to walk in a place that requires stepping over things. I have no such problem now. I used to think I had wide feet. Apparently I had fat feet. There’s such a world of difference between being 420 pounds and 257 pounds, but all of the health data lumps the two in together. It’s too broad.

[Walk #116]

The Wandering Hermit: Surprising Myself

Brian 6 July 2024 Leave a Comment

This morning’s walk was perfect—cool, dark, calm. I woke up rested and felt great. I do feel a little like I’ve been pushing myself this month, and I’m trying to be cautious about that. I always worry about going too far. I’ve been feeling like my whole body has built up a bit of pressure following my morning walks…I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s like I’m straining everything. It’s not bad exactly, but I’m also not sure why it’s happening. I actually might describe it as the feeling of asthma, but in my entire body, not just my lungs. I don’t know if that is making sense. I’m sure something is going on that explains the feeling. From my brief research, my best guess in delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), but there is no real pain involved. It doesn’t seem to be an injury, so for now I’m not going to worry about it. I’ve been feeling it since my extra long walk on Thursday. I’ll just keep paying attention to what my body is doing and act accordingly.

I’ve now lost 160 pounds. That is wild to me. I don’t know how much weight I have left to lose, but I can see it being anywhere from 50 to 90 pounds. I’m just amazed at how quickly I’m talking about such small numbers I still need to lose. It was not that long ago that I had stopped believing in my own capacity to accomplish anything, but I just don’t feel that way anymore.

[Walk #114]

The Wandering Hermit: Legs & Fluctuations

Brian 28 May 2024 Leave a Comment

What a wonderful day to be alive! I have just been feeling it since I woke up. It helped to have a nice long conversation with my friend Robert yesterday; that is still resting firmly on my mind, and this morning’s walk was filled with thoughts I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

One of my preoccupations during the walk was how my left leg wasn’t in my way. Because it has been so swollen for so many years, I had gotten used to brushing up against it when I walk, and even though my legs both brush together, it has been the left one that feels like it is encroaching on the space that belongs to the right leg. This morning, that seemed to have not been true. Again, it’s slightly emotional having any improvement at all. One year ago, I was unwilling to leave the house because I was embarrassed about my leg issues. Today, I feel like it’s barely a problem. That’s really amazing.

I’ve now been doing daily meditations for a week, and I have some thoughts. It’s a little sad that I need to schedule time in my day to just stop and be present. That said, I’m really happy about it. I worried at first that the time would turn into brainstorming for ideas or writing I wanted to do. Almost all moments turn into that if I don’t have a distraction, but I’ve been able to put a pin in that and just listen to the world around me. I don’t know that I have found the exact thing that works for me, but I’ll keep trying things. Currently, doing a few minutes at the end of my walk has been working okay, but sometimes I do have trouble settling my mind down first. My walks are mentally active—often chaotic—times.

I had set a goal of losing 150 pounds by 1 June. I have reached my goal as of this morning, but I’m not going to celebrate just yet. I need to make sure it stays off and I’m not having some sort of weird weight fluctuation. Still, if I haven’t achieved my goal, I’ve at least gotten close. I’m starting to feel fairly proud of myself. I really wasn’t sure I could do it. Now the hardest part is ahead. The closer I get to a weight where I settle, the harder it will be to lose. I knew that when I started, and I am expecting that going forward. But I think I can do it. The past 10 months have proven that.

[Walk #72]

Daily Log: 28 May 2024

Brian 28 May 2024 Leave a Comment

Weight: 268.8 lbs/121.93 kg

Exercise: 3.28 mile/5.28 km walk (5:41am–7:00am, ☀️64ºF/17.5ºC)

Mindfulness: 5 minute outdoor meditation (7:02am–7:07am)

Mood: Excellent

Food: 1970 calories

horchata coffee
steamed broccoli, lettuce, jalapeños, Taco Bell Fire Hot Sauce
bean & rice burritos
salad: lettuce, jalapeños, Taco Bell Fire Hot Sauce
Happy Belly SF Pink Lemonade

Daily Log: 8 May 2024

Brian 8 May 2024 Leave a Comment

Weight: 277.8 lb/126.01 kg

Exercise: 1.77 mile/2.85 km walk (5:44am–6:24pm, 🌙65ºF/18ºC)

Mood: Excellent

Food: 1320 calories

French toast iced coffee
French toast oatmeal with blueberries
steamed broccoli, vegan fish filets, black beans, jalapeños
steamed cauliflower, vegan fish filets, black beans, jalapeños
steamed green beans, vegan fish filets, black beans, jalapeños
Happy Belly SF Pink Lemonade

The Wandering Hermit: Getting Up To A Mile

Brian 3 May 2024 Leave a Comment

It’s a beautiful day. Cloudy, cool… great for my morning walk, even if that was a little late. I was so tired this morning; I decided to just sleep a little longer. I thought I had gotten enough, but my watch says 6hr48min, and I have no reason to say it is wrong… that does not include the extra hour and a half though, so maybe I have a reason to at least be suspicious.

I’ve gotten lazy with my calorie counting. That was always meant to be temporary, but lately I keep forgetting to record everything as I eat it and then you’ve got me trying to keep my eyes open as I’m going to bed trying to recall how many kidney beans I had with lunch. In general, I’ve been trying to work on getting to everything. I wish I could let go of a lot of things to make room in my brain for just my daily habits checklist. All of the stuff in life can start to weigh us down and I feel burdened by it all sometimes. I mentioned recently that I actually love how chaotic I can be, and I still think that. I love that when I want to do something, I spend hours watching videos and collecting materials and familiarizing myself with the ins and outs of it all, even if I don’t ultimately retain that hobby. I still love that about me, but I need to work on coupling that with the self awareness required to purge and let things go that I am no longer interested in. I usually see that as a failure of some kind, and that’s not something I’m interested in any longer. It isn’t a failure to move forward. Learning new things is the hobby, and I think that is great. But if I’ve already learned everything I want to know about a topic, it is more than okay to let someone else have the materials I collected.

My walks are going very well, but I do wish I could get my heart rate up more. I’m trying to remember to have patience with myself; a year ago I struggled to get through a shower without needed a rest, so it will just take some time to get to where I need to go. I had been doing at least 20 minutes a day in exercise (walking unless it’s just too muddy), but I think after the past few days I’m going to change that to at least 1 mile of walking. That currently takes me roughly 25 minutes, but if I can get that down to 20 minutes that might help me keep that heart rate up. It’s worth trying at least, and then I’ll revisit my goals after that. I’m still looking forward to Brad getting cleared to do exercise, although by that time it’ll be too hot to continue on outside and we’ll have to start meeting at the gym. And that is just fine too… maybe preferable.

[Walk #40]

Daily Log: 25 April 2024

Brian 25 April 2024 Leave a Comment

Weight: 283.0 lbs

Exercise: 16 minutes jogging in place (2:13am–2:29am, 🌧️63ºF/17ºC)

Mood: Good

It was raining this morning, so for the first time in a while I skipped my walk and opted for jogging in place while I watched YouTube videos. It was more intense than my typical walk, so I really only got just over my 15 minute daily goal before I had to stop. It was a pretty good workout. I jog in place a lot, but usually I do it for 2–5 minutes at a time, typically if I need to wait for something to finish cooking or I am trying to trigger my watch to give me a stand hour, but it is surprisingly challenging, for me…. for now.

I’m trying to not stress about my weight going up a little since Monday. I haven’t been overeating and it should work out. Weighing in daily hasn’t been too stressful, but it does remind me that weight fluctuates a lot more than I realized.

I have been tired, but not sleeping consistently. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with too much energy, which then eats into my day when I inevitably need to take a nap to catch up. I don’t really know why, and I honestly wouldn’t even be bothered by it if it wasn’t for Justin insisting that I be awake when he is awake. Apparently I exist to amuse him. Who knew?

Food: 1465 calories

coffee, oat milk, JSS Coconut Syrup
bean street tacos (“hot” chili beans (no, they are not), salsa, low carb tomato & basil street taco tortillas)
carrot & tomato soup
“hot” chili beans (no, they are not), steamed green beans, Brussels sprouts, salsa
Happy Belly SF Pink Lemonade
steamed broccoli

Music:

Daily Log: 24 April 2024

Brian 24 April 2024 Leave a Comment

Weight: 278.4 lbs

Exercise: 1.64 mile walk (6:18am–6:58am, ☁️54ºF/12ºC)

Mood: Great

I’ve been walking in the morning most of the month, but today I decided to start before sunrise and I LOVED it. It’s such a wonderful time to get up and get going. My feet are feeling a lot better as well, so it wasn’t as painful. I don’t know why they get so dried out, but it’s never great when they do!

I’m increasingly aware of my desire to get exercise, and while my stamina is still not fully there, I can really see a future where I am able to do a lot more. It’s such a strange thing to think about considering a year ago. I was having so much trouble at that point that I would be winded just walking down to the car and I honestly couldn’t step over anything. It is easy to see people who are struggling with their health and assume they have given up, or that they in some way should realize how unhealthy they are. But the reality for me was that I didn’t know. I never thought of myself as being unhealthy, not truly. It was denial. We don’t want negative things to be true of ourselves, so it is relatively easy to push those things away and pretend they aren’t part of our reality… to go on as if going on will make those things less so. I’m not proud of my progress. I am elated by it for sure, but what I am is deeply sad for the person who lost out on a lot of life for many years because he didn’t want to see what was going on. But life still goes on regardless of our regrets. The future actually looks like a place I exist, and not one where my memory fades quickly.

Food: 1630 calories

Ghost Energy Drink, Cherry Limeade
kale & oat wraps (kale, oats, Daiya cheese sauce, hot diced tomatoes, Italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, Taco Bell Diablo Hot Sauce, low carb tortillas, lettuce, tomato)
Happy Belly SF Pink Lemonade
steamed broccoli
“hot” chili beans (no, they are not)
low card street taco tortillas
steamed green beans
salad (shredded lettuce, tomatoes, jalapeños, Southwest mustard)

Music:Trying out putting my morning playlists on here.

Discouraged

Brian 21 August 2023 Leave a Comment

I lost 4 lbs. While that is more than reasonable weight loss in a week, I still felt discouraged when I saw that number.

One thing I am used to when losing weight is the initial extreme loss, which granted is normally water. Because I was heavier than my scale could record, I was unable to get my weight until 14 August. By then, I had been working hard on my plan for more than a week, so I imagine I missed out on some of that initial loss and the excitement you feel on seeing the numbers decrease so quickly on the scale. 4 pounds is a good amount of loss in one week. It just is. And I need to remember that. That is a week with almost no exercise. That is a week when I felt full everyday.

I’ve felt generally discouraged. Emotions cycle all the time and I understand that they will constantly change while I’m trying to lose weight. I feel just as motivated as I did, but just somewhat less optimistic. I’ve had too much time to sit think about food and dieting and my plan. I have a tendency to obsess over whatever I’m working on, but to the exclusion of everything else. Focusing on losing weight just keeps me reminded that I have so much weight to lose. It is a reminder of my failures. I need to get back to other things in my life, but hopefully the way I’ve set everything up will allow me to be successful without too much effort.

Today I’m finally getting my exercise bike set up, so that will add at least 30 minutes of exercise daily. That should help see these numbers continue. And I’m going to try and keep reminding myself that losing 4 pounds in one week is still pretty good.

Tag: weight