The Wandering Hermit: Hat & Heels & Illusionary Fat Loss

Brian 17 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I went on a walk with Justin this afternoon. He’s been feeling sick, so we couldn’t do a full 2 miles, but he did a mile and a half. I think that’s pretty good. He went to his room to sleep the rest of the day, but that was likely his plan anyway.

I feel like going to local parks and walking as many as possible for a while. Maybe mixing that with my usual walks in the morning… maybe doing those in addition to the morning walks. It’s just so much better on my feet to not be on gravel, but I do miss my usual walks. It’s been almost a week since I did one out here. I’ll try to get one in tomorrow morning. Change is uncomfortable, even when it doesn’t matter. Walking the paved sidewalks just felt so good, I could have done twice as much as I normally do. I need to pay attention to those sorts of things. Wherever I can increase distance without overdoing it, I need to do that.

I need more hats. I’m trying to get used to wearing hats more. I like the look of them and they do protect me from the sun. If I’m going to be spending increasing time outside when the sun is up, I need to wear hats when I walk. I’m wondering if my 5:00am walks are over for now. It is my favorite time for a walk, but it’s already too dark now. If I was going to a gym, I could continue, but I think I might need to push back to 6 or 6:30. I don’t love that, but I can still get up and do things at 5. I just need to shuffle around my routine.

Okay, I need to get more work on my sides. I’m not sure what to do exactly. I know I can just look it up, and I will. But it is apparent I need more work on that.

Over the weekend, I lost too much weight. I had lost 7 extra pounds since last Thursday, which I felt was too fast. I actually had that revelation while showering on Monday morning. I just felt like I had lost too much and I wasn’t feeling great about it. I was eating, but I just felt off. I confirmed that Tuesday when I noticed I’d lost 7 pounds. Rapid weight loss is fine, but if it is too rapid that can cause a lot of problems. In the hopes it was an illusion caused by dehydration, I got some higher calorie foods and just packed in calories for the day. When I woke up this morning, things made more sense. It looked like I had lost 2 pounds since last Thursday, which is more reasonable. I also feel a lot better than I did… and I wan’t feel bad per se. I was just feeling a little off. I felt like the fat was decreasing, but not correctly. I was drinking a ton of water, but it’s dry out there. I think it might have just been dehydration. I’m back to normal eating and I’ll just have to wait to see what next Monday’s weight is. I’m taking this morning’s as my end of week. I just don’t trust Tuesday’s, even though it would be nice. I never want to do anything illusionary or so quickly that I make myself sick.

[Walk #126]

The Wandering Hermit: Sleeping All Day At Home

Brian 16 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I nearly didn’t get my walk in today! That would have been upsetting.

It was nice to be home, but I was enjoying my visit with family so much that I didn’t want it to end. All good things, I suppose…

I did a nice evening walk. It was still a little too warm, but I needed to get the steps in. I had slept all day. I felt energetic the entire time I was in Canute—I woke up early, slept fantastically well, felt like I ate enough. Then I get home and slipped right into a coma. I guess I was just holding it together with hope and nostalgia! Or maybe it is the allergens in Central Oklahoma that when reintroduced made me feel like I always feel, fighting an uphill battle! Still, it is always nice to sleep in familiar surroundings, to have your own food in the fridge, to have all the sounds you expect in your home at night. All of that.

I’m looking forward to doing a lot more travel, but I don’t imagine I will ever tire of just coming home. It’s such a wonderful feeling.

[Walk #125]

The Wandering Hermit: Community

Brian 15 July 2024 Leave a Comment

My cousin Denise joined me on my morning walk. Of course, I was a little less attentive than I should have been. She did tell me that she had been doing 1 mile and we just kept walking until we did 2. That seemed a bit much for her, but she didn’t say anything about it. Overall, it was a wonderful walk. I do enjoy walking with people; I just don’t like walking with others everyday.

Canute is small enough that this, the third time walking the town, I was starting to run out of new things to see. There were a few streets I didn’t walk up and down, but not many and all of those are just houses. I’m fairly certain I’ve walked by every business. We went up to the park next to the cemetery, and it is extremely nice for a town of Canute’s size. It looks like the local Lion’s Club funds a lot of things in town, and they apparently have the funds for some nicer things. It would be nice if a place like Glencoe, which is the same in population, had something as nice as that. It is also on a highway, and also just off a larger highway. I’m not sure Glencoe has places that do that kind of community funding of local projects. Denise and I actually talked about that and what the future looks like as things like Lion’s Club and similar community organizations fade away. They don’t get younger members at a rate that they need to stay alive, and I think that’s a shame. With our focus on global connections, donations of money tend to go to the places that are the consensus of the group, but that leaves out local communities that might respond by raising taxes to fund some of the common projects. That annoys some people, and makes things harder.

Denise’s word of the moment is community and I love that because it has been on my mind so much in the last few months. People need community. And I think our reluctance to finding our community is a bigger problem than we appreciate. That’s one of the few benefits to being part of a historically marginalized group. There is a forcing into community that actually ends up being beneficial, even if outliers don’t always love the result. The downside is that that community exists because of external forces pushing it together, but a community of people pulling themselves together is so much stronger. That is was seems to be dimming with time and I hope we can find ways to reignite and revive our passions for the places we live or the people who share both our interests and proximities.

[Walk #124]

The Wandering Hermit: Grounded

Brian 14 July 2024 Leave a Comment

This morning brought on a sense of calm I was missing for a couple of days. I slept so well. My legs felt drained and my mind clear. Brent has the thermostat set really low, almost too cold to be comfortable. But it makes sleep easy, and I felt like I could breath all night. My morning felt hopeful after that.

Last night, I spent hours talking to cousins again. It’s what one does when they haven’t spent time with people in many years. It was such a nice talk, but I did keep getting little reminders of how different our worldviews are. I was already aware of everyone’s fairly—or extremely—conservative views, but sometimes it came up in off-putting ways. I think the euphoria of the first day needed—demanded in fact—that kind of grounding. I don’t want to move forward in my relationship with my family members with some kind of façade layered on everything. They are real, tangible, flawed. All of that is what I appreciate most about them. I am all of those things too, and I would assume they’d feel similar about views I hold that oppose their own. I don’t voice those things though. I can handle being in a competitive talking environment, but I’m a spectator and not a participant.

We might stay here another day. That’s fine, but I didn’t pack clothes for that exactly. There is a washer & dryer here, so I could use that. I’ve been trying to stay here very gently. I don’t want to take up too much space or use things in the house. I realize Dad’s cousin is never here anymore, so she doesn’t care. But I know her. I know how she is and how she feels about things that I have trouble getting on board with. It’s Sunday and even in agreement there were guilt trips concerning going to service at her church this morning. I avoided her and the topic altogether. I didn’t pack for that, and I’m not really interested. I still might get dragged there, but I’d rather not. And I don’t want to feel guilty for that. I have the reasons I have for the decisions I make. And I won’t take judgment for that. So, we’re staying at her house. I don’t want to be disrespectful when I know me being here would bother her. It’s a weird position to be in. She’s always been like that though. I’m not coming to a new understanding; I’m just realizing what that means when it comes to asking for her hospitality. That said, she’d give it if I asked.

[Walk #123]

The Wandering Hermit: The Cousins Reunite on Route 66

Brian 13 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Canute is so small, but it certainly doesn’t need to be larger. I walked through town and then down Route 66, to the water tower, and back to the house where I’m staying. It was perfect weather for a walk. Clear, cool. Perfect.

I got a good reminder last night that sometimes what you need is family. I spent the evening talking to my cousins, and I hadn’t expected to see them at all. It was nice. It’s great to be around people who don’t need to catch up to get back to enjoying each other’s company. The last time we were all together was in 2000. Sadly, Rechelle passed in 2017. She should be here. But the rest of us will all be together again, and I love that.

I feel fantastic this morning. I slept well, if briefly, and feel energized for my day. The Alaska folks are still asleep, which is to be expected, but today promises to be a nice day. I may do some additional exercising this evening, but I’m going to try to remain present with family, so I may not.

[Walk #122]

The Wandering Hermit: Onward To Canute!

Brian 12 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I thought I wouldn’t have time for a walk, so opted to wait for evening. Brent’s apartment has a gym though, so I was able to do that for 25 minutes. Knowing Brent was just waiting in the car, I didn’t do my full 2 miles. That’s mildly disappointing, but it also turned out that I didn’t need to wait anyway.

We are on our way to Canute, Oklahoma where we will be staying for the weekend. My great aunt’s birthday party is in nearby Elk City, and we are staying at the home of her daughter. I’m nervous because family makes me a little nervous, but it’ll be good. My aunt Rita and uncle Jerry will be staying at the house with us. It’ll be a weird weekend!

[Walk #121]

Edit: Jerry did not come down for this vacation, but my cousins Les & Denise did, as well as my cousin Rechelle’s daughter Ashleigh and her daughter Daisy.

The Wandering Hermit: Smile Because You’re Winning

Brian 11 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I’ve been smiling a lot lately. I hate it. Smiling has always made me a little uncomfortable, but it’s one of the things I appreciate so much on others. For many years, when I smile I’ve felt like the quintessential garden gnome: rosy, puffed up cheeks; a bulbous little nose; an unkempt beard; and most importantly, a round little face. I have usually opted instead for a stoic pose, which tends to look better in most photos. Looks better, but says nothing. And when I say it looks better, that isn’t to say I’ve hidden the traits that made me uncomfortable. I clearly have not.

One of the universal criticisms that I get about myself is that I am grumpy. Or sometimes people just ask me what is wrong, but I’m hardly ever having a bad day. It’s just that my face has that expression. I don’t get those comments from people I rarely see in person, so I am pretty sure it’s just a response to how my face is. I shouldn’t care, but I don’t want my mind and my face to be so different.

So, lately I’ve been smiling. And even more, I’ve been doing so while showing my teeth, which I probably stopped doing 30 years ago. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing (yes, even by myself), but it’s something I want to overcome. I’m too old to care if people like my smile. The hardest part is remaining sincere. I can usually handle it for one or maybe two photos, but then you can see my discomfort clearly in the photo. I have to reset, smile again, mean it. It’s all a process.

[Walk #119]

The Wandering Hermit: Kameoka Trail by A Sliver of Moonlight

Brian 10 July 2024 Leave a Comment

So, I got out of Glencoe for a morning walk. I went to Stillwater and walked Kameoka Trail & Couch Park. Neither is lit, so actually it ended up being a bit too dark with all the tree cover. It was still nice, but my pace was slow as I needed to keep checking where the path was going. Boomer Park would probably be a better one to walk early in the morning, although I don’t remember it being lit either. I may just have to save the parks for afternoon/evening walks. Either way, it was so nice to be in town. I miss traffic and people jogging and trucks loading stuff. I just do. There is a quiet I love about living among trees, but I’m at a place in my life where I need the sounds of humans around me more.

[Walk #118]

The Wandering Hermit: The Skunk in the Fog

Brian 9 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m just going to have to get over it.

This morning’s walk was dark; the sunrises are getting noticeably later and it was pretty foggy. At first I thought it was absurd to walk in such darkness and I did keep veering off toward the side of the road. I could take the time to drive to a lit place, and I’ll have to if we are still here in the fall. I don’t want to give up my early morning walks.

I got a message from someone that they are inspired to go for a walk. Now, granted, I actually don’t know anything about this person’s fitness levels or needs. I don’t know if this was an offhand comment or an actual bit of motivation being expressed, but it doesn’t really matter. What mattered was that it reminded me of how uncomfortable I get when I feel like I’ve influenced someone to do something. I once had a friend plan an entire vacation based on something I had written, and the whole thing made me very nervous. There was nothing wrong with that vacation—in fact, I’m extremely flattered by the whole thing. But something about being a person anyone looks to for information makes me uneasy. And I do really need to get over that!

I often put so much pressure on everything that no event, no matter how small, and no interaction, no matter how brief, is insignificant. Every moment of the day is important. Every conversation is profound. It’s one of the ways I get around living in the present. I’m so busy waiting for the bigness of the moment that I miss that the moment has even happened.

I ran into a skunk this morning. He was crossing the driveway and we startled one another, but he just kept walking and I let him go on his way. He was pretty adorable, but I was careful to not make any moves that might make him feel endangered. It was a reminder of whose bit of land this really is.

[Walk #117]

The Wandering Hermit: Obesity: Let’s Talk About It

Brian 8 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Does obesity have meaning anymore?

I’ve been overweight for my entire adult life, and obesity is a word that gets thrown around a lot when discussing weight. It’s one that is meant to have a specific meaning, but is as hollow and vague as overweight these days. And it’s the more upsetting sounding of the two, and so a lot of folks have a strong aversion to being called obese, even if it is clinically correct. But I think it’s really a problem of messaging. I’ve just now gone from Obese class III to Obese class II. I both feel like celebrating that and I still need to acknowledge that I cannot stop and smell the flowers here. I need to be visitor here at this weight category. I won’t even be considered less than obese until I’m under 200 pounds, something I’m not sure is possible at this point. I’ll keep working my way down there, but my meal plan is what it is at this point and the calorie deficit is less and less deficient every day. I won’t be considered “Normal” weight until 169 pounds, and that just seems silly actually. I haven’t been that weight since middle school probably. It sounds like a child’s weight to me because it was for me. I have no idea what weight I will settle at.

Obesity is on the rise. Severe obesity (BMI of 40+) is trending upward at a slightly lower rate, but that’s where I lived for many years. Now that I am in the regular obesity classes, I just feel like the language we use about these issues makes no sense. It does nothing to explain to a person like me that at 150 pounds heavier, it is hard to lift your legs and it might be hard to walk in a place that requires stepping over things. I have no such problem now. I used to think I had wide feet. Apparently I had fat feet. There’s such a world of difference between being 420 pounds and 257 pounds, but all of the health data lumps the two in together. It’s too broad.

[Walk #116]

Tag: thoughts