The Wandering Hermit: Community

Brian 15 July 2024 Leave a Comment

My cousin Denise joined me on my morning walk. Of course, I was a little less attentive than I should have been. She did tell me that she had been doing 1 mile and we just kept walking until we did 2. That seemed a bit much for her, but she didn’t say anything about it. Overall, it was a wonderful walk. I do enjoy walking with people; I just don’t like walking with others everyday.

Canute is small enough that this, the third time walking the town, I was starting to run out of new things to see. There were a few streets I didn’t walk up and down, but not many and all of those are just houses. I’m fairly certain I’ve walked by every business. We went up to the park next to the cemetery, and it is extremely nice for a town of Canute’s size. It looks like the local Lion’s Club funds a lot of things in town, and they apparently have the funds for some nicer things. It would be nice if a place like Glencoe, which is the same in population, had something as nice as that. It is also on a highway, and also just off a larger highway. I’m not sure Glencoe has places that do that kind of community funding of local projects. Denise and I actually talked about that and what the future looks like as things like Lion’s Club and similar community organizations fade away. They don’t get younger members at a rate that they need to stay alive, and I think that’s a shame. With our focus on global connections, donations of money tend to go to the places that are the consensus of the group, but that leaves out local communities that might respond by raising taxes to fund some of the common projects. That annoys some people, and makes things harder.

Denise’s word of the moment is community and I love that because it has been on my mind so much in the last few months. People need community. And I think our reluctance to finding our community is a bigger problem than we appreciate. That’s one of the few benefits to being part of a historically marginalized group. There is a forcing into community that actually ends up being beneficial, even if outliers don’t always love the result. The downside is that that community exists because of external forces pushing it together, but a community of people pulling themselves together is so much stronger. That is was seems to be dimming with time and I hope we can find ways to reignite and revive our passions for the places we live or the people who share both our interests and proximities.

[Walk #124]

The Wandering Hermit: The Cousins Reunite on Route 66

Brian 13 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Canute is so small, but it certainly doesn’t need to be larger. I walked through town and then down Route 66, to the water tower, and back to the house where I’m staying. It was perfect weather for a walk. Clear, cool. Perfect.

I got a good reminder last night that sometimes what you need is family. I spent the evening talking to my cousins, and I hadn’t expected to see them at all. It was nice. It’s great to be around people who don’t need to catch up to get back to enjoying each other’s company. The last time we were all together was in 2000. Sadly, Rechelle passed in 2017. She should be here. But the rest of us will all be together again, and I love that.

I feel fantastic this morning. I slept well, if briefly, and feel energized for my day. The Alaska folks are still asleep, which is to be expected, but today promises to be a nice day. I may do some additional exercising this evening, but I’m going to try to remain present with family, so I may not.

[Walk #122]

The Wandering Hermit: Smile Because You’re Winning

Brian 11 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I’ve been smiling a lot lately. I hate it. Smiling has always made me a little uncomfortable, but it’s one of the things I appreciate so much on others. For many years, when I smile I’ve felt like the quintessential garden gnome: rosy, puffed up cheeks; a bulbous little nose; an unkempt beard; and most importantly, a round little face. I have usually opted instead for a stoic pose, which tends to look better in most photos. Looks better, but says nothing. And when I say it looks better, that isn’t to say I’ve hidden the traits that made me uncomfortable. I clearly have not.

One of the universal criticisms that I get about myself is that I am grumpy. Or sometimes people just ask me what is wrong, but I’m hardly ever having a bad day. It’s just that my face has that expression. I don’t get those comments from people I rarely see in person, so I am pretty sure it’s just a response to how my face is. I shouldn’t care, but I don’t want my mind and my face to be so different.

So, lately I’ve been smiling. And even more, I’ve been doing so while showing my teeth, which I probably stopped doing 30 years ago. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing (yes, even by myself), but it’s something I want to overcome. I’m too old to care if people like my smile. The hardest part is remaining sincere. I can usually handle it for one or maybe two photos, but then you can see my discomfort clearly in the photo. I have to reset, smile again, mean it. It’s all a process.

[Walk #119]

The Wandering Hermit: The Skunk in the Fog

Brian 9 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m just going to have to get over it.

This morning’s walk was dark; the sunrises are getting noticeably later and it was pretty foggy. At first I thought it was absurd to walk in such darkness and I did keep veering off toward the side of the road. I could take the time to drive to a lit place, and I’ll have to if we are still here in the fall. I don’t want to give up my early morning walks.

I got a message from someone that they are inspired to go for a walk. Now, granted, I actually don’t know anything about this person’s fitness levels or needs. I don’t know if this was an offhand comment or an actual bit of motivation being expressed, but it doesn’t really matter. What mattered was that it reminded me of how uncomfortable I get when I feel like I’ve influenced someone to do something. I once had a friend plan an entire vacation based on something I had written, and the whole thing made me very nervous. There was nothing wrong with that vacation—in fact, I’m extremely flattered by the whole thing. But something about being a person anyone looks to for information makes me uneasy. And I do really need to get over that!

I often put so much pressure on everything that no event, no matter how small, and no interaction, no matter how brief, is insignificant. Every moment of the day is important. Every conversation is profound. It’s one of the ways I get around living in the present. I’m so busy waiting for the bigness of the moment that I miss that the moment has even happened.

I ran into a skunk this morning. He was crossing the driveway and we startled one another, but he just kept walking and I let him go on his way. He was pretty adorable, but I was careful to not make any moves that might make him feel endangered. It was a reminder of whose bit of land this really is.

[Walk #117]

The Wandering Hermit: Surprising Myself

Brian 6 July 2024 Leave a Comment

This morning’s walk was perfect—cool, dark, calm. I woke up rested and felt great. I do feel a little like I’ve been pushing myself this month, and I’m trying to be cautious about that. I always worry about going too far. I’ve been feeling like my whole body has built up a bit of pressure following my morning walks…I’m not sure if that makes sense. It’s like I’m straining everything. It’s not bad exactly, but I’m also not sure why it’s happening. I actually might describe it as the feeling of asthma, but in my entire body, not just my lungs. I don’t know if that is making sense. I’m sure something is going on that explains the feeling. From my brief research, my best guess in delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), but there is no real pain involved. It doesn’t seem to be an injury, so for now I’m not going to worry about it. I’ve been feeling it since my extra long walk on Thursday. I’ll just keep paying attention to what my body is doing and act accordingly.

I’ve now lost 160 pounds. That is wild to me. I don’t know how much weight I have left to lose, but I can see it being anywhere from 50 to 90 pounds. I’m just amazed at how quickly I’m talking about such small numbers I still need to lose. It was not that long ago that I had stopped believing in my own capacity to accomplish anything, but I just don’t feel that way anymore.

[Walk #114]

The Wandering Hermit: How’s Everybody Doin’ Today? Wanna Hear About My Lungs?

Brian 2 July 2024 Leave a Comment

One of my favorite concepts is having the confidence to walk into a room like you own everything. Of course, I never quite do have that level of confidence, but I think I’ve figured out a way to fake it, and faking it is nearly as good it most cases. Recently, whenever I’ve been around other people I like to walk in like I’m the district manager; I’m not doing a walk through this week, but I am just seeing how everyone is doing. What is surprising is how well even that level of confidence works.

I need to keep working on breathing. I am MILES from where I started, but I do wish I could breath even more deeply. I want to just fill those lungs up fully and enjoy the full capacity of respiration that I have lacked for so long. Maybe it’ll take time. Maybe it will never happen, but I’m trying. I don’t know what would help other than what I’m already doing. I’m willing to try anything.

[Walk #109]

The Wandering Hermit: Walk #100

Brian 25 June 2024 Leave a Comment

This was my 100th walk! It’s hard to believe I’ve done so many. I decided to start doing a daily walk 1 April 2024, but it was rainy and so I officially started on 3 April, doing half a mile on a good day. It wasn’t until 7 May that I finally started walking past the bridge that crosses over the creek and started walking up to the neighbor’s house and back. On 11 May, I walked to the next road down, a mile away. 19 May, I crossed Fairgrounds, the cross street I live on, walking down a bit and back to the neighbor’s house. Since 28 May, my habit has been always to walk to the next road from here, in any direction, and back. That makes the walks 2-3.3 miles, depending on the direction I go. This morning, I did 4.32 miles, walking East to Prairie Rd, North to Yost Rd, West to Fairgrounds Rd, & South to Burris Rd. That is a little unusual because I was doing it to celebrate 100 walks, but I felt great afterward and was not short of breath or overly exhausted. What I’m not trying to be cautious of is not continuing to increase the distance for no reason. 3 miles feels really good. 4 was a nice amount this morning, but I had started constantly checking my watch at about 3.5 to see when it would be over.

This is all probably painfully obvious to people who are already pretty active, but I started at not being able to walk out to the car without having to stop to catch my breath. Being able to do any of this seems remarkable to me. I’ve been thinking about my next steps. Like I said, after 3 miles I was ready for the walk to be over, but it wasn’t because I was overly tired. I was bored. So, it might behoove me to add an evening walk as well. That would definitely be easier on joining a gym. I like the idea of walking 5:15am-6:15am & 5:15pm-6:15pm. It is so hot this week, that I don’t think I’ll be able to test that out though. Maybe I’ll try running in place with a fan blowing directly on me!

I’m proud of myself. I didn’t know if I could do it, but I was determined to try and feel like I finally figured out something I wish I had learned 20 years ago. I could dwell in that regret, but that won’t actually alter the reality of my life. Instead, I’ll take that knowledge and make a future from it.

[Walk #100]

The Wandering Hermit: Careful! Don’t Bully Yourself

Brian 23 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I was talking to my brother after yesterday’s morning walk. I mentioned that I tried to take a photo on every walk, just as a part of my recent practice of having daily habits, but that as it was my 97th walk since I started I was out of things to take a photo of. This morning, I decided that was a silly thing to say. It was a silly thing to think in fact, so I found a huge number of things to take a picture of today and I didn’t go far out of my way. I did slow my pace, stopping frequently to get a good shot of a particular plant or the right angle of the road. And it was a nice relaxed morning. I’m positive that not every morning needs to be about my pace & speed, but I still tried to make up for that by going a little bit longer than usual.

During a recent video by Mike Pridgen (Mike Needs a Plan), he reminded his viewers to avoid self deprecating humor about themselves. I’ve been thinking about that; I don’t know if I 100% agree, but I think I’m much closer to that than I used to be. One of the traits I value most about myself is that I don’t take myself too seriously. I think there is a difference though between acknowledging the silly things I do, an laughing about them, and taking shots at myself that are unwarranted. It’s a nice reminder to not tear myself down. I’m definitely guilty of that. I find that the older I get, the more I appreciate things that are deemed corny in youth. I like being positive. I like being happy.

The temperatures are going to be intense all week. I haven’t lost my commitment to not having excuses for my daily walks, so it’ll be interesting to see how well I get on in the sweltering heat. I do normally walk early enough that it isn’t too warm yet, but it was 74ºF/23.5ºC this morning and while it didn’t feel as bad as yesterday, it was still warmer than I would have liked it to be. It wouldn’t be so bad if I stopped complaining about it!

[Walk #98]

The Wandering Hermit: Assessing Myself on a Thursday Morning

Brian 20 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I feel inspired this morning. I didn’t get enough sleep, but I still woke up feeling great and ready to do all the things! I’ve been focused heavily on poetry this month and it has me feeling very hyped for new projects, and I even got some writing in the other day. I can always write. But I have been busy with other things and so my writing has been pushed to the back until I’ve settled somewhere. That is a trap I’ve fallen for before. There is no settling. Life is always chaotic in one way or another, but it is a choice to deny myself expression. So, I resumed the writing I should never have paused.

My pace for the entire 3.39 mile walk this morning was under 20 minutes per mile! That was incredible. Once again, I did at times feel like I was power walking like a suburban mom on a Wednesday morning, but most of the walk felt fine. And breathing never became an issue, but a brief exception when a car drove by and I was dealing with some dust for a few minutes. Otherwise, my lungs seem the best they ever have. My VO2 Max number has sort of plateaued, but I just need to keep doing what I am doing; hopefully it moves along soon.

I’m starting to get used to the slower rate of my recent weight loss. I had been discouraged that it was slowing down, but when I started I knew that would happen. It’s actually a good sign to not be dropping 3 to 5 pounds per week. Weight loss at that rate was a sign that I was far too overweight. I seem to be at 1 to 2 pounds per week, with an occasional outlier of 4 or 5. If there’s something I could switch up to increase that, I’m just not all that interested in exploring it. I like how I’m eating, I like my exercise routine, I’m drinking a lot of water, and most nights I’m sleeping well. I don’t really mind this pace because everything is feeling so great.

[Walk #95]

The Wandering Hermit: The House Next Door

Brian 13 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m trying to shift my thinking. A few weeks ago I was happy in my ignorance about my future. I’ve been there before; sometimes it’s nice to just know that you’re about to let the wind take you and to not be all that concerned with the outcome. But as soon as I was presented with a plan, I started to settle on it and when it looked like that would no longer be possible, I felt like something had been taken from me, forgetting how recently I had been content to ride the wind. So, let’s reset and regroup. I’m not interested in the kinds of stress I was allowing in. I need to remember myself.

I do not know where I will end up once we sell the house and move on. And at this point, I’m not sure I want to know. This morning I was thinking about how much I’ll miss living out here in some ways. It’s not my dream, and it is very inconvenient to me, but it is nice and peaceful. We are on the corner of Fairgrounds Rd & Burris Rd. The house across Fairgrounds is nostalgic to me. My grandpa used to take us on drives on the gravel roads of Payne County on this side of Stillwater. We might end up driving through Glencoe or Pawnee or Morrison before returning, but that house was one of the landmarks I remember from then; it’s one of the few things that has been the same for all these years. Most of the houses out here are much newer. It was at first a little surreal living across the street from that house. It’s almost like having an old imaginary friend move in down the street. It existed in my mind, but I had no reason to drive out here before my parents moved here, so I didn’t know if my memory was real or if it was all a creation of my mind. It’s not a particularly interesting house. There’s nothing fantastical or noteworthy about it, but for many years it was just a part of those moments spent with Papa, and more recently it’s where the people with the horses that like to escape live. And soon I’ll leave this place and I won’t see it all the time. And I wonder if I’ll still remember it fondly or if it has lost its meaning.

I think walking has been good for me. Sure, it’s been great for my physical health, but I think it has helped me mentally. It is often over-emphasized that walking is good for mental health, but it’s not wrong. It seems to allow my brain to sort things out. I wonder if there is something unique about the action of walking or is it the traversing of a distance. I’m going to be joining a gym soon and doing my walking there much of the time; I wonder if I will see the same benefits in mental health or if I need to be out in the world. I used to do an hour of walking daily at a gym in Anchorage, Alaska. I wasn’t in the same place mentally when I started, so I don’t know that I noticed any shifts. After spending years depressed, anything was going to feel monumental, but the walking has helped quite a bit.

I’m not sure what to do to get started with running, but I am interested if it is possible. I tried it for a minute during my walk, but felt like it was too jarring when I hit the ground. Maybe I’m just not used to it, but it was unpleasant. It felt doable in general otherwise. It didn’t hurt or cause my to not be able to breathe, which had been my primary concern. I’ll look into it. It seems weird that I couldn’t just start running. I feel unequipped. But I also am slightly amazed that I’m even interested in trying it out. I keep saying it, but it is true: I cannot believe that one year ago I could barely walk at all and now I want to walk everywhere.

[Walk #88]

Tag: self image