The Wandering Hermit: Community

Brian 15 July 2024 Leave a Comment

My cousin Denise joined me on my morning walk. Of course, I was a little less attentive than I should have been. She did tell me that she had been doing 1 mile and we just kept walking until we did 2. That seemed a bit much for her, but she didn’t say anything about it. Overall, it was a wonderful walk. I do enjoy walking with people; I just don’t like walking with others everyday.

Canute is small enough that this, the third time walking the town, I was starting to run out of new things to see. There were a few streets I didn’t walk up and down, but not many and all of those are just houses. I’m fairly certain I’ve walked by every business. We went up to the park next to the cemetery, and it is extremely nice for a town of Canute’s size. It looks like the local Lion’s Club funds a lot of things in town, and they apparently have the funds for some nicer things. It would be nice if a place like Glencoe, which is the same in population, had something as nice as that. It is also on a highway, and also just off a larger highway. I’m not sure Glencoe has places that do that kind of community funding of local projects. Denise and I actually talked about that and what the future looks like as things like Lion’s Club and similar community organizations fade away. They don’t get younger members at a rate that they need to stay alive, and I think that’s a shame. With our focus on global connections, donations of money tend to go to the places that are the consensus of the group, but that leaves out local communities that might respond by raising taxes to fund some of the common projects. That annoys some people, and makes things harder.

Denise’s word of the moment is community and I love that because it has been on my mind so much in the last few months. People need community. And I think our reluctance to finding our community is a bigger problem than we appreciate. That’s one of the few benefits to being part of a historically marginalized group. There is a forcing into community that actually ends up being beneficial, even if outliers don’t always love the result. The downside is that that community exists because of external forces pushing it together, but a community of people pulling themselves together is so much stronger. That is was seems to be dimming with time and I hope we can find ways to reignite and revive our passions for the places we live or the people who share both our interests and proximities.

[Walk #124]

The Wandering Hermit: The Cousins Reunite on Route 66

Brian 13 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Canute is so small, but it certainly doesn’t need to be larger. I walked through town and then down Route 66, to the water tower, and back to the house where I’m staying. It was perfect weather for a walk. Clear, cool. Perfect.

I got a good reminder last night that sometimes what you need is family. I spent the evening talking to my cousins, and I hadn’t expected to see them at all. It was nice. It’s great to be around people who don’t need to catch up to get back to enjoying each other’s company. The last time we were all together was in 2000. Sadly, Rechelle passed in 2017. She should be here. But the rest of us will all be together again, and I love that.

I feel fantastic this morning. I slept well, if briefly, and feel energized for my day. The Alaska folks are still asleep, which is to be expected, but today promises to be a nice day. I may do some additional exercising this evening, but I’m going to try to remain present with family, so I may not.

[Walk #122]

The Wandering Hermit: It’s Not Me, It’s You: Rules for Walking

Brian 5 July 2024 Leave a Comment

It isn’t that I mind having company on my morning walks—I don’t. In fact, I welcome someone joining me while I walk. But there are some caveats.

Brian doesn’t talk in the morning. I’m not cranky or in a bad mood, but the parts of my brain that do the talking aren’t even scheduled to be at work until I’ve been awake for an hour, and they are often running late. There is a misconception that this means I’m grumpy. I wake up most days ready to go and with a lot of motivation. I also don’t want to talk… about anything.

Brian doesn’t want to hear you talk in the morning. Without the support of the speech staff, the listening staff isn’t really organized and ready yet first thing in the morning. They hear you, but they cannot give you their full attention. The morning agenda rarely includes people talking, so they just aren’t sure what to do when it happens.

Brian is not admin. I’m never admin, but it is especially true when I first wake up. I cannot solve your problems for you yet. That takes skills I won’t have until much later in the day, if at all. I hear you. You have an issue. I appreciate that, but I cannot help.

Brian will become cranky if you keep accusing him of being cranky. We are all different. My morning process involves quiet for an hour at minimum. I love the sounds of morning, from birds in the trees to the sound of a coffee maker. Because I don’t talk, I’m often accused of being cranky as I said. I’m not; I’m just enjoying the stillness before my day gets going. However, if asked enough times I will in fact deliver what you are ordering. And I hate that I become so annoyed, but it just seems like some days I’m wrong for existing the way I am.

None of these caveats negate my interest in exercising with someone else. I’d love to do that, but maybe what I really require is ground rules.

Speak softly an stay off my back. A simple greeting or brief discussion is fine. Get straight to it, but not too loudly. My tone will be what my tone is. Again, I don’t mind even if my mouth isn’t working yet.

Have a plan. The best time to discuss an exercise/walking session is the day before. Plan what you are going to do, be flexible enough to change things as needed, and be ready to do the thing. If your mouth is already fully with it, you body should be as well.

Sort it out. As I mentioned, I’m not admin. If you headphones are tangled or you are having an issue with your shoes, you might need to figure that out. And that is okay. I wouldn’t dream of asking for help with that stuff for myself.

It’s okay to do what it is that you can/want to do. I walk at least 2 miles in the morning. I wake up at 5am and I leave the house by 5:30am. The times vary & the route varies, but if you think it is too far, or not far enough, that’s cool. Do your own walk if you need to. I’m happy to walk beside you while it makes sense, but the morning walk/exercise is about your own fitness goals, so we might not sync up precisely. Don’t worry about that. And if you’d rather do a different walk, but just at the same time, that’s cool too. Do that. Don’t tie your routine to me.

Post-walk is when I write. I need about 20 minutes sometime after my walk for logging & blogging.

I think there is a sort of popular way people like to walk and talk. It’s a nice leisurely stroll through a park and it is very nice. I’m actually very interested in doing that sort of thing. It just isn’t the same as my morning walk. That is about increasing my heart rate, waking up, and enjoying the dawn.

[Walk #113]

The Wandering Hermit: It’s July. Now what?

Brian 1 July 2024 Leave a Comment

July arrived so quickly! We had a massive cool-down yesterday, so my morning walk was very pleasant. I worked up a nice sweat and just generally felt good about it.

Today I start a bit of a schedule shake up that I’ve been working on for a while. The point of this schedule is not to get bogged down by the various things I need to do, but to constantly give myself prompts to aid me in keeping up with being present. I’ve become good at maintaining some of the routines in my life, but I did so by having something specific to do at those times. A lot of aspects of life require structure for me, especially if I am going to make those things feel spontaneous. I’m not very good at spontaneity, and that’s okay. Not everybody has to be.

I’ve arrived in July without any new health goals. That isn’t to say there is nothing at all to work on, but I have no specific thing in mind. I’m just continuing to work on my fitness. That seems to be going well. I’ll be tightening my diet up a bit, but that comes and goes as well, so it’s not new. It’s a good month for that as well. Having a very strictly planned diet works well with the chaos I’m anticipating for the month. Apple’s Fitness app is challenging me a little. I need to be doing 2.77 miles of walking every day. I don’t know if that is based on how much I walk, but it’s actually the perfect goal. It’s just a little bit more than I normally do, and fits in well with adding a brief afternoon walk.

[Walk #107]

The Wandering Hermit: Justin & the 10-Day Meal Plan Plan

Brian 30 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m starting to feel a bit better. I was reluctant to wake up this morning, but I still just did it anyway. I’ve got some yard work to do this morning, but I think I might try to get some extra sleep this afternoon. I have a lot to do this week and I want to make sure I’m fully over whatever has been keeping me lethargic lately.

Justin has decided to do a 10 day diet. He wants to start on the first. I think that’s great for him. He struggles with the permanence of a new way of eating, but he knows he can handle a 10-day diet. And when that’s over, I think he’ll give himself a few days to go back to normal and then he might resume the 10-day plan as a more permanent situation. I had been trying to help him do some planning that included all of the things he likes, but that wasn’t working. He found creative ways to go around the plan and sneak in hundreds of unaccounted calories. He needs something far more strict. He is also working uphill a little since one of his medications causes weight gain. It used to be easy for him to stay thin. Now he has to work at it, and I think adjusting to that is frustrating. I totally understand that. Since he’s doing something strict, I’ll probably be tightening up my own eating for the month. And I love that. I’ve gotten a little lazy about food; I’m still basically eating the same way, but I’ve found myself forgetting to record things. Part of that is that I had started using Cronometer, but I’m back to writing everything down. I am far more mindful about my diet when I’ve written it all down as I eat it. Cronometer is a great tool and I still use it for planning out Justin’s meals for the week, but for myself it quickly became a crutch and an excuse.

[Walk #106]

The Wandering Hermit: Preparing for the Rest of Summer

Brian 29 June 2024 Leave a Comment

It’s entirely too warm; the next month is going to be rough if I base things on this morning. The watch told me it was 79ºF, which is already too warm for me, but the gravel was still radiating heat from yesterday and so it felt a little like standing in front of the dryer while pulling out clothes. It’s not exactly unbearable, but it’s a lot of heat coming from unusual angles.

Speaking of clothes, sorta… I’m in the midst of a plateau at the moment. They happen; in fact, they happen a lot. But I break through them eventually so I’m not stressed about it. I wanted to wait until I was down to 250 pounds before I got some new clothes, but it seems like I’m just inching my way down to that, so I broke down and got a few shirts, a couple pairs of shorts, and some leggings. That should do for the summer; I am still hoping to get some stuff that fits better later this year. Some people have been bothered by my threadbare shirts and ripped sweatpants. Those things don’t bother me, but I am honestly annoyed by the fit of my clothes. It is definitely past the point where I like how everything just hangs on me. That was a nice reminder of progress, but it can be annoying, especially pants that never want to stay up.

Yesterday, I went from being mildly under the weather to fully feeling sick and then better by the time I went to bed. I’m still feeling it, but my body seems to be handling the threat pretty well. I’ll probably spend the day hydrating and not doing a whole lot. I always have a lot to do, but I don’t want to push myself and then end up getting sick. That’s far less convenient than taking things a little easier for a couple of days.

[Walk #105]

The Wandering Hermit: Building Rome

Brian 27 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking about schedules since my walk yesterday. I do tend to obsess over things. I need the structure. I have a tendency to never get something done if I’m not operating within a strict schedule, and I am never doing that!

I have a slight amount of swelling in my legs at the moment. I don’t know if I’ve overdone things this week or if I’m having a histamine response. I’ll keep an eye on it; I don’t want to cause myself problems by being overly ambitious. And I’m not sure it’s unusual, but my legs have looked better for a while, so it is concerning me. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all that.

I’ve gotten lazy with food lately. Not reckless, but lazy. I started using Cronometer instead of writing things down in a notebook and I think it has just allowed me to pay less attention to what I’m doing. I think I need to go back to the notebook actually. It isn’t hard to track calories; I thought an app would help by showing me nutrient breakdowns of my day. It does do that, and I can plug that in anytime I want. But I feel more connected to my day’s meals when I’m responsible for writing everything down and weighing it all.

[Walk #103]

The Wandering Hermit: Stupid Stuff That Doesn’t Matter & Extra Miles

Brian 26 June 2024 Leave a Comment

This afternoon was much less disorienting than my morning was. I feel a little like I really can do anything I want to do in life. Getting in an extra mile takes very little time, but it was a bit on the hot side. I think saving that walk for dusk is a much better plan. It takes less than half an hour and I feel great. Now, that means I’m taking showers all day, but I like doing that anyway so I guess that’s not really a problem.

I was thinking that I need to start making a schedule. Having my whole life up in the air makes me want to take some control in any way I am able. I think the easiest thing is to start making a full day’s schedule. It has been working for mornings. I schedule my days from 5am to 8am, but then I just let the rest of the day happen. Sometimes I get a lot accomplished and sometimes I get hung up doing stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. The stupid stuff that doesn’t matter is an important part of life, but not as often as I do it now. Having a detailed schedule would be nice…. and I already enjoy overplanning, so scheduling works well with that.

[Walk #102]

The Wandering Hermit: The House Next Door

Brian 13 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m trying to shift my thinking. A few weeks ago I was happy in my ignorance about my future. I’ve been there before; sometimes it’s nice to just know that you’re about to let the wind take you and to not be all that concerned with the outcome. But as soon as I was presented with a plan, I started to settle on it and when it looked like that would no longer be possible, I felt like something had been taken from me, forgetting how recently I had been content to ride the wind. So, let’s reset and regroup. I’m not interested in the kinds of stress I was allowing in. I need to remember myself.

I do not know where I will end up once we sell the house and move on. And at this point, I’m not sure I want to know. This morning I was thinking about how much I’ll miss living out here in some ways. It’s not my dream, and it is very inconvenient to me, but it is nice and peaceful. We are on the corner of Fairgrounds Rd & Burris Rd. The house across Fairgrounds is nostalgic to me. My grandpa used to take us on drives on the gravel roads of Payne County on this side of Stillwater. We might end up driving through Glencoe or Pawnee or Morrison before returning, but that house was one of the landmarks I remember from then; it’s one of the few things that has been the same for all these years. Most of the houses out here are much newer. It was at first a little surreal living across the street from that house. It’s almost like having an old imaginary friend move in down the street. It existed in my mind, but I had no reason to drive out here before my parents moved here, so I didn’t know if my memory was real or if it was all a creation of my mind. It’s not a particularly interesting house. There’s nothing fantastical or noteworthy about it, but for many years it was just a part of those moments spent with Papa, and more recently it’s where the people with the horses that like to escape live. And soon I’ll leave this place and I won’t see it all the time. And I wonder if I’ll still remember it fondly or if it has lost its meaning.

I think walking has been good for me. Sure, it’s been great for my physical health, but I think it has helped me mentally. It is often over-emphasized that walking is good for mental health, but it’s not wrong. It seems to allow my brain to sort things out. I wonder if there is something unique about the action of walking or is it the traversing of a distance. I’m going to be joining a gym soon and doing my walking there much of the time; I wonder if I will see the same benefits in mental health or if I need to be out in the world. I used to do an hour of walking daily at a gym in Anchorage, Alaska. I wasn’t in the same place mentally when I started, so I don’t know that I noticed any shifts. After spending years depressed, anything was going to feel monumental, but the walking has helped quite a bit.

I’m not sure what to do to get started with running, but I am interested if it is possible. I tried it for a minute during my walk, but felt like it was too jarring when I hit the ground. Maybe I’m just not used to it, but it was unpleasant. It felt doable in general otherwise. It didn’t hurt or cause my to not be able to breathe, which had been my primary concern. I’ll look into it. It seems weird that I couldn’t just start running. I feel unequipped. But I also am slightly amazed that I’m even interested in trying it out. I keep saying it, but it is true: I cannot believe that one year ago I could barely walk at all and now I want to walk everywhere.

[Walk #88]

The Wandering Hermit: One Shoulder for the Past & One Shoulder for the Future

Brian 10 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I suspect that this is not sustainable, waking up daily and having to choose to not be frustrated by the absolutely frustrating things around me. For now, I’m managing to reset and refocus each morning, but I imagine I’ll either not be able to do that forever or the frustrating things will have to stop. I’m not sure which.

I do actually feel amazing today, but part of that is related to my acknowledgment that I don’t actually owe anyone anything. There are several situations in my life recently in which others are attempting–unintentionally–to obligate me into participation in their lives and in their situations. I’m trying to find the lines and the balance between caring for the needs of those I love and taking care of my own life. I spent ten years being the person my parents needed to be. That was my choice. I don’t want to complain about that because I value the time I spent with them, but I have a choice in these other situations. I think it is easy to look at the past decade and assume that since I was able to put myself on pause for Mom & Dad, then I must just be a person who will do that for anyone. I do want the best for everyone, but I’m starting to realize that they don’t always even consider what the best for me looks like.

This is all vague, but it is important to my journey of self-actualization that started with my need to buy clothes that would fit my body. It started with weight; it did not end with weight, and I don’t see myself giving up on finding ways to improve myself and achieve a life that is as fulfilling to me as I deserve.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time packing up things at my parents’ house. I could see some big issues with my thought processes during packing, but I’m trying to be patient with myself about them. One is my absolute desire to get back to creating art. I love it, but the craft room was a room I shared with Mom and it made me sad to go back in there after she died, so I have spent years just wishing I would get back to it. I packed up a lot of tools I’m looking forward to playing with. The other was an issue plaguing me lately, and it sometimes causes me a bit of existential dread that I’m not sure how to handle. I don’t have children. I’m perfectly okay with that, but I want our family to carry on into the future. I think my niblings will eventually care about some things, but all of them are so young that they don’t seem invested in their own pasts. That’s understandable; I certainly wasn’t at their age. What worries me is how to carry that legacy forward until they are ready. A lot of people pass down the debris of the lives of their ancestor and my family is no different. I have some of my great grandma McGuire’s pitcher collection, my second great grandpa Fuchs’ Bible, my grandpa Tucker’s pocket watches, my mom’s diaries. But the list goes on and on. My dad was a hoarder, and really the message I internalized was that severing oneself from the items of a loved one is disrespectful. That thing was important to someone who is important to you, so keep it. Keep everything. Keep the photos, keep the quilts, keep the sugar dispenser, keep the wooden spoons, keep the emergency sewing kit, keep the receipts from 1972, keep the unopened mail from 1998. And I realized when I was packing up everything to put it all in storage yesterday that I don’t want it.

Now, this is a realization I have been having over and over and over. Typically it ends in me distracting myself into not thinking about it too deeply. I have used it to get rid of massive amounts of stuff, but often with especially well-loved things I stop and think those things need to be preserved. For whom? That’s the wall I keep coming to. I love learning about my family. I might love knowing that my second great grandma Spencer had a book that she loved a great deal, but that does not mean I would want to have her copy with me for the rest of my life.

People are not the sum of their acquisitions. I think about the people I’ve lost a lot more in organic ways than I ever do because I saw a ceramic tortoise or a coin purse full of newspaper clippings. I have no obligation to shoulder the people I will spend my future with, but equally I have no obligation to shoulder the lives of the people I miss from the past. My Mimi doesn’t exist in her Santas, and I don’t have to find a space for them.

[Walk #85]

Tag: planning