The Wandering Hermit: The Cousins Reunite on Route 66

Brian 13 July 2024 Leave a Comment

Canute is so small, but it certainly doesn’t need to be larger. I walked through town and then down Route 66, to the water tower, and back to the house where I’m staying. It was perfect weather for a walk. Clear, cool. Perfect.

I got a good reminder last night that sometimes what you need is family. I spent the evening talking to my cousins, and I hadn’t expected to see them at all. It was nice. It’s great to be around people who don’t need to catch up to get back to enjoying each other’s company. The last time we were all together was in 2000. Sadly, Rechelle passed in 2017. She should be here. But the rest of us will all be together again, and I love that.

I feel fantastic this morning. I slept well, if briefly, and feel energized for my day. The Alaska folks are still asleep, which is to be expected, but today promises to be a nice day. I may do some additional exercising this evening, but I’m going to try to remain present with family, so I may not.

[Walk #122]

The Wandering Hermit: Smile Because You’re Winning

Brian 11 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I’ve been smiling a lot lately. I hate it. Smiling has always made me a little uncomfortable, but it’s one of the things I appreciate so much on others. For many years, when I smile I’ve felt like the quintessential garden gnome: rosy, puffed up cheeks; a bulbous little nose; an unkempt beard; and most importantly, a round little face. I have usually opted instead for a stoic pose, which tends to look better in most photos. Looks better, but says nothing. And when I say it looks better, that isn’t to say I’ve hidden the traits that made me uncomfortable. I clearly have not.

One of the universal criticisms that I get about myself is that I am grumpy. Or sometimes people just ask me what is wrong, but I’m hardly ever having a bad day. It’s just that my face has that expression. I don’t get those comments from people I rarely see in person, so I am pretty sure it’s just a response to how my face is. I shouldn’t care, but I don’t want my mind and my face to be so different.

So, lately I’ve been smiling. And even more, I’ve been doing so while showing my teeth, which I probably stopped doing 30 years ago. It’s awkward, it’s embarrassing (yes, even by myself), but it’s something I want to overcome. I’m too old to care if people like my smile. The hardest part is remaining sincere. I can usually handle it for one or maybe two photos, but then you can see my discomfort clearly in the photo. I have to reset, smile again, mean it. It’s all a process.

[Walk #119]

The Wandering Hermit: It’s Not Me, It’s You: Rules for Walking

Brian 5 July 2024 Leave a Comment

It isn’t that I mind having company on my morning walks—I don’t. In fact, I welcome someone joining me while I walk. But there are some caveats.

Brian doesn’t talk in the morning. I’m not cranky or in a bad mood, but the parts of my brain that do the talking aren’t even scheduled to be at work until I’ve been awake for an hour, and they are often running late. There is a misconception that this means I’m grumpy. I wake up most days ready to go and with a lot of motivation. I also don’t want to talk… about anything.

Brian doesn’t want to hear you talk in the morning. Without the support of the speech staff, the listening staff isn’t really organized and ready yet first thing in the morning. They hear you, but they cannot give you their full attention. The morning agenda rarely includes people talking, so they just aren’t sure what to do when it happens.

Brian is not admin. I’m never admin, but it is especially true when I first wake up. I cannot solve your problems for you yet. That takes skills I won’t have until much later in the day, if at all. I hear you. You have an issue. I appreciate that, but I cannot help.

Brian will become cranky if you keep accusing him of being cranky. We are all different. My morning process involves quiet for an hour at minimum. I love the sounds of morning, from birds in the trees to the sound of a coffee maker. Because I don’t talk, I’m often accused of being cranky as I said. I’m not; I’m just enjoying the stillness before my day gets going. However, if asked enough times I will in fact deliver what you are ordering. And I hate that I become so annoyed, but it just seems like some days I’m wrong for existing the way I am.

None of these caveats negate my interest in exercising with someone else. I’d love to do that, but maybe what I really require is ground rules.

Speak softly an stay off my back. A simple greeting or brief discussion is fine. Get straight to it, but not too loudly. My tone will be what my tone is. Again, I don’t mind even if my mouth isn’t working yet.

Have a plan. The best time to discuss an exercise/walking session is the day before. Plan what you are going to do, be flexible enough to change things as needed, and be ready to do the thing. If your mouth is already fully with it, you body should be as well.

Sort it out. As I mentioned, I’m not admin. If you headphones are tangled or you are having an issue with your shoes, you might need to figure that out. And that is okay. I wouldn’t dream of asking for help with that stuff for myself.

It’s okay to do what it is that you can/want to do. I walk at least 2 miles in the morning. I wake up at 5am and I leave the house by 5:30am. The times vary & the route varies, but if you think it is too far, or not far enough, that’s cool. Do your own walk if you need to. I’m happy to walk beside you while it makes sense, but the morning walk/exercise is about your own fitness goals, so we might not sync up precisely. Don’t worry about that. And if you’d rather do a different walk, but just at the same time, that’s cool too. Do that. Don’t tie your routine to me.

Post-walk is when I write. I need about 20 minutes sometime after my walk for logging & blogging.

I think there is a sort of popular way people like to walk and talk. It’s a nice leisurely stroll through a park and it is very nice. I’m actually very interested in doing that sort of thing. It just isn’t the same as my morning walk. That is about increasing my heart rate, waking up, and enjoying the dawn.

[Walk #113]

The Wandering Hermit: Personal Insecurities & National Insecurity

Brian 4 July 2024 Leave a Comment

I slept a little too much yesterday, but I woke up feeling great today. Things have really cooled off and we are having an unusual bit of weather for July. I’m certainly not complaining. I’m no fan of the intense heat.

I started posting my walks on my Instagram page. I had been wanting to share the photo I took on my morning walk, but as usual I was standing in my own way. I’m not sure why I do that, but I think I’m a little bit afraid of sharing myself too much… I’m probably at least a little bit worried that I’ll be judged for what I’ve posted. But I need to remember that nobody cares. I actually started blogging in 2001, and taking my journaling from exclusively physical to digital was never about an audience, even when I’ve had one. I don’t post things for others, but just for myself. It’s harder to remember that on social media; it sometimes feels like a big room where everyone is watching what you do… but in reality, it’s not. If what I post is interesting to others, great. If it’s not, they just won’t care about that. I can’t keep worrying about every tiny thing I do. I’ve been making so many changes, and yet I still find myself in here.

Independence Day has me thinking again about the erosion of American values we’re all witnessing. I’m still not stressed about it. I don’t really feel like we need to be stressed about things; we need to be motivated. We aren’t powerless, even though some would like us to believe that we are.

[Walk #112]

The Wandering Hermit: Careful! Don’t Bully Yourself

Brian 23 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I was talking to my brother after yesterday’s morning walk. I mentioned that I tried to take a photo on every walk, just as a part of my recent practice of having daily habits, but that as it was my 97th walk since I started I was out of things to take a photo of. This morning, I decided that was a silly thing to say. It was a silly thing to think in fact, so I found a huge number of things to take a picture of today and I didn’t go far out of my way. I did slow my pace, stopping frequently to get a good shot of a particular plant or the right angle of the road. And it was a nice relaxed morning. I’m positive that not every morning needs to be about my pace & speed, but I still tried to make up for that by going a little bit longer than usual.

During a recent video by Mike Pridgen (Mike Needs a Plan), he reminded his viewers to avoid self deprecating humor about themselves. I’ve been thinking about that; I don’t know if I 100% agree, but I think I’m much closer to that than I used to be. One of the traits I value most about myself is that I don’t take myself too seriously. I think there is a difference though between acknowledging the silly things I do, an laughing about them, and taking shots at myself that are unwarranted. It’s a nice reminder to not tear myself down. I’m definitely guilty of that. I find that the older I get, the more I appreciate things that are deemed corny in youth. I like being positive. I like being happy.

The temperatures are going to be intense all week. I haven’t lost my commitment to not having excuses for my daily walks, so it’ll be interesting to see how well I get on in the sweltering heat. I do normally walk early enough that it isn’t too warm yet, but it was 74ºF/23.5ºC this morning and while it didn’t feel as bad as yesterday, it was still warmer than I would have liked it to be. It wouldn’t be so bad if I stopped complaining about it!

[Walk #98]

The Wandering Hermit: Never “Give Up”

Brian 22 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I’m feeling motivated this morning! It’s a good place to be. I woke up a few minutes early and went ahead and did my walk. It almost feels absurd to be out before 5am, but I like the early morning hours.

This is a little preachy, but I was thinking about a concept that frustrate me, “Let go and let God.” What a convenient way to take no responsibility or accountability in one’s life. It’s interesting that people who tend to adhere so strongly to this idea from the Bible (Ephesians 3:20) aren’t so generous when it comes to the lives of others. They don’t just let God’s will be when it doesn’t align with their beliefs. So, it strikes me that they don’t actually trust in some sort of divine order of things, but that they don’t want to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. These are the cherry pickers who will find the contradictions and seize on them, hanging up decor with convenient quotes. But they forget Galatians 6:5 “For we are each responsible for our own conduct.” Or worse, 1 Timothy 5:8 “But those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers.” This concept already lives in the English language in the term giving up. “To give up” was, and I would argue still is, “To give up to God.” And I’m not interested in entertaining moral justifications for giving up. This train of thought frustrated me in the first place. I don’t want to spend this much mental energy on people who annoy me, but these people spend a lot of their own physical energy trying to annoy people I care about. It’s hard to not get frustrated with them.

Today is our local Pride event. I’ve never been, which is ridiculous and I don’t really have time to go today. However, I’m making the time to go and at least check things out. I’m looking forward to it and hope that next year I just make the time and go with an open schedule!

I’ve been a little more relaxed on my walks for the past couple of days. I’m trying to not overdo anything. When I really push myself, I feel that all day and I don’t want to create any issues that will cause genuine problems. So, I backed off a little. Walking 7 days a week isn’t even completely necessary from my understanding, but as long as I’m choosing to do that I’m not going to try and beat myself daily. Steady progress is best, and that always happens within a range that just trends in the right direction.

I had started using Cronometer to track my food, but I’m far less likely to enter things in than I was to just write them down. I may need to go back to the notebook. I’ll give it another week and see. I like the nutrient breakdown from the app, but I tend to remember the handwritten tracking better.

[Walk #97]

The Wandering Hermit: Boundaries

Brian 11 June 2024 Leave a Comment

mostly personal, not too terribly health focused

I need to learn how to set boundaries and demand that those boundaries are respected. And it isn’t as though I don’t try.

I’ve been staring at the screen waiting for permission to feel the way I feel. I’m not sure why…

I’m frustrated. Yesterday was mentally exhausting, but maybe ultimately revealing. I’m neither the person everyone wants me to be, nor am I interested in becoming that person. Some folks have decided they know how I need to be, how I need to live, how I need to dress, who I need to spend my time with. I am 44 years old. I don’t understand where they found the audacity to act this way towards me. And absolutely every time I express my concerns or try and set some sort of boundary, I’m shut down. My feelings aren’t valid, or what I’ve said is entirely dismissed. It’s so frustrating to feel such a huge lack of respect.

I’m trying to clear out my parents’ house. I spent six months begging for help before I decided that I would need to do most everything myself. But I couldn’t physically. It was part of why I needed to lose weight, and after I started losing I started packing. The house was full, the shed–a 20’x60’ enormous space was completely packed with stuff. And I went through it, and I threw things out for months. I went through every bit of the lives of several people, deciding what was important and what to get rid of. It was an emotionally taxing event, and often genuinely a struggle. In a lot of ways it was the nostalgia that was difficult, but mostly it was the solitary nature of it all. It didn’t feel warm in the way reminiscing should. It felt lonely because I was doing it alone. I’ve been making a lot of decisions alone & neither of my brothers seems like they are interested in really dealing with some of this stuff. One is in a hurry to sell everything and move on, which I understand. We do need to do that. I just think he does that at the expense of both my feelings and at the expense of my ability to keep some of my own things, which he has suggested I just get rid of. And I’m not exactly sure why I should have to. The other hasn’t been ready to deal with much of anything for a while now. He does have some health issues, but he doesn’t really make much of an effort, seemingly waiting for someone to show up and do all of his living for him. He is as dismissive, but also has a sense of entitlement about other people’s time, trying to employ guilt to get everyone to wait on him. Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation, and are a sign of disfunction. DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.

I’m sure I will be fine in the end. I’m sure everything will work out. I’m looking forward to some new places to do my daily walks. I’m looking forward to being near enough to a gym that I can go there for some consistency when it’s too hot or too cold outside. I’m looking forward to creating my own life and not being held back by people who never put their own lives on hold for me. I don’t owe them that either, and I really need to stop believing that I do.

[Walk #86]

The Wandering Hermit: One Shoulder for the Past & One Shoulder for the Future

Brian 10 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I suspect that this is not sustainable, waking up daily and having to choose to not be frustrated by the absolutely frustrating things around me. For now, I’m managing to reset and refocus each morning, but I imagine I’ll either not be able to do that forever or the frustrating things will have to stop. I’m not sure which.

I do actually feel amazing today, but part of that is related to my acknowledgment that I don’t actually owe anyone anything. There are several situations in my life recently in which others are attempting–unintentionally–to obligate me into participation in their lives and in their situations. I’m trying to find the lines and the balance between caring for the needs of those I love and taking care of my own life. I spent ten years being the person my parents needed to be. That was my choice. I don’t want to complain about that because I value the time I spent with them, but I have a choice in these other situations. I think it is easy to look at the past decade and assume that since I was able to put myself on pause for Mom & Dad, then I must just be a person who will do that for anyone. I do want the best for everyone, but I’m starting to realize that they don’t always even consider what the best for me looks like.

This is all vague, but it is important to my journey of self-actualization that started with my need to buy clothes that would fit my body. It started with weight; it did not end with weight, and I don’t see myself giving up on finding ways to improve myself and achieve a life that is as fulfilling to me as I deserve.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time packing up things at my parents’ house. I could see some big issues with my thought processes during packing, but I’m trying to be patient with myself about them. One is my absolute desire to get back to creating art. I love it, but the craft room was a room I shared with Mom and it made me sad to go back in there after she died, so I have spent years just wishing I would get back to it. I packed up a lot of tools I’m looking forward to playing with. The other was an issue plaguing me lately, and it sometimes causes me a bit of existential dread that I’m not sure how to handle. I don’t have children. I’m perfectly okay with that, but I want our family to carry on into the future. I think my niblings will eventually care about some things, but all of them are so young that they don’t seem invested in their own pasts. That’s understandable; I certainly wasn’t at their age. What worries me is how to carry that legacy forward until they are ready. A lot of people pass down the debris of the lives of their ancestor and my family is no different. I have some of my great grandma McGuire’s pitcher collection, my second great grandpa Fuchs’ Bible, my grandpa Tucker’s pocket watches, my mom’s diaries. But the list goes on and on. My dad was a hoarder, and really the message I internalized was that severing oneself from the items of a loved one is disrespectful. That thing was important to someone who is important to you, so keep it. Keep everything. Keep the photos, keep the quilts, keep the sugar dispenser, keep the wooden spoons, keep the emergency sewing kit, keep the receipts from 1972, keep the unopened mail from 1998. And I realized when I was packing up everything to put it all in storage yesterday that I don’t want it.

Now, this is a realization I have been having over and over and over. Typically it ends in me distracting myself into not thinking about it too deeply. I have used it to get rid of massive amounts of stuff, but often with especially well-loved things I stop and think those things need to be preserved. For whom? That’s the wall I keep coming to. I love learning about my family. I might love knowing that my second great grandma Spencer had a book that she loved a great deal, but that does not mean I would want to have her copy with me for the rest of my life.

People are not the sum of their acquisitions. I think about the people I’ve lost a lot more in organic ways than I ever do because I saw a ceramic tortoise or a coin purse full of newspaper clippings. I have no obligation to shoulder the people I will spend my future with, but equally I have no obligation to shoulder the lives of the people I miss from the past. My Mimi doesn’t exist in her Santas, and I don’t have to find a space for them.

[Walk #85]

The Wandering Hermit: A Maximalist & A Poet

Brian 6 June 2024 Leave a Comment

I had two things on my mind while I was walking:

1. How can I find simplicity?

I’m a maximalist. While I wish that were only true in my design preferences, it’s actually something take follows me through my life and often robs me of the peace of mind I might otherwise have in a given situation. And I’m not entirely sure how to make it stop. I’ve been loading things up for storage, but what is overwhelming is that I have a lot… of stuff that I love. I don’t really have excessive utilitarian items; in fact, I think my tool collection is rather lacking and I want to try reducing it. What I have is things I love to look at, to surround myself with.

Yes, yes, I’m building a house in the relatively near future, and I will be able to fill it with many of those things. How do I, in the meantime, let go of some of the things that don’t really need to go with me. The things that I’ve attached a meaning to, but which do not have any great significance themselves.

I considered not putting this on here. They were my walking thoughts, sure. But I did think about not including them because in my mind they aren’t directly related to my health journey. Aren’t they though? Why would I set out to work so hard on getting my body healthy, but just ignore something that needs to be addressed simply because it is happening in my head.

2. Why am I a poet?

Or really, why is anyone? Of course I don’t mean that in a what even is the point of this sort of way. I actually find great value in poetry, not just for myself, but for humans more broadly. What I mean by the question is what causes some people to communicate in this way? I think about this a lot actually. The three people I spend the most time around are my two brothers and my closest friend (and housemate). All three of them have expressed how they “don’t understand” poetry or “I wish people would just say what they mean” (meaning I suppose that authors should just be direct and get to the point). And I don’t mind them not getting it; I have poetry friends who I can talk about this stuff with. What it does make me think is that our brains have taken very different paths to this point. That second point in particular–“I wish people would just say what they mean”–is interesting. I hear that one probably the most, or some variation on that theme. But when I employ metaphor to compare my fingers to worms or write about walking and talking with a long dead person, I am saying what I mean. I am getting to the point quickly. In fact, I’m getting there more quickly than if I had to say what I have to say without the metaphor. If I break my sentence up on the page, I am doing that intentionally as well. It’s what feels right in that moment. It’s how I processed information and how my brain needed to communicate that information. I’m not exactly E.E. Cummings, but I do understand why he was so interested in making his readers work to enjoy his words. I have no evidence of this, but I think it is just as likely that Cummings was doing exactly what I do from day to day, but also wanted his readers to see the world in the same way. So he attempted to force it. That isn’t to say that one way of viewing the world is necessarily better than another. Of course not. But it is endlessly fascinating that there are people in this world who aren’t moved to spend hours writing when the sun crests over the horizon is a certain way.

[Walk #81]

The Wandering Hermit: Walks With Mom In The Morning

Brian 19 May 2024 Leave a Comment

I had a nice walk this morning; I decided to go East on Burris, which I hadn’t done. I think I’ve only driven that way once or twice and I live on the corner. I liked it because of the hills; the only concern I might have walking that way is those two little dogs that live across the street on Fairgrounds. I’m not concerned about what they might do to me—they are far too small for that—but I don’t really want to distress them unnecessarily. I’ve been saying I need to go meet them, but I walk so early that I don’t think about it. I think it might be better if they knew who I was walking by. In order to walk that direction, I have to walk in their line of sight for a while. As long as I keep that part of the morning to before 6, I should be okay. They get let out when the sun comes up. I have a strong preference for not walking in front of people’s houses if I don’t have to. I can walk half a mile that direction and only cross one driveway, and that house is set pretty far back.

It’s been six years without Mom, but honestly I don’t feel like that exactly. She’s my constant companion, especially on my morning walks. It’s interesting when we dwell on those we miss. Mom is my morning companion. Dad is with me in the late evening. I know that has a lot to do with my associations with when they were active, but I’m not sure it’s only that either. Why do my grandparents each have their own full season on the calendar, like some kind of mythology I’ve formed? We are in the midst of the transition from Mimi to Pap in fact. Why? When I think about that, Mom being dawn and Dad being dusk feels pretty natural.

The passing on a calendar of a day doesn’t really cause me any extra stress. I don’t need to be reminded; I never forgot. But I have had a stressful week otherwise. I know that weight loss can cause hormonal issues, so I’m not sure if that is what has been going on, but I have been all over the place mentally. And I lack the patience I usually have. Everyone else has managed to make that about themselves, and I cannot help that. Sometimes I just need space and quiet. On paper it would seem like I have those things. In practice, I do not. I’m not entirely sure how to set proper boundaries anymore.

[Walk #59]

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