I had a nice walk this morning; I decided to go East on Burris, which I hadn’t done.  I think I’ve only driven that way once or twice and I live on the corner.  I liked it because of the hills; the only concern I might have walking that way is those two little dogs that live across the street on Fairgrounds.  I’m not concerned about what they might do to me—they are far too small for that—but I don’t really want to distress them unnecessarily.  I’ve been saying I need to go meet them, but I walk so early that I don’t think about it.  I think it might be better if they knew who I was walking by.  In order to walk that direction, I have to walk in their line of sight for a while.  As long as I keep that part of the morning to before 6, I should be okay.  They get let out when the sun comes up.  I have a strong preference for not walking in front of people’s houses if I don’t have to.  I can walk half a mile that direction and only cross one driveway, and that house is set pretty far back.  

It’s been six years without Mom, but honestly I don’t feel like that exactly.  She’s my constant companion, especially on my morning walks.  It’s interesting when we dwell on those we miss.  Mom is my morning companion.  Dad is with me in the late evening.  I know that has a lot to do with my associations with when they were active, but I’m not sure it’s only that either.  Why do my grandparents each have their own full season on the calendar, like some kind of mythology I’ve formed?  We are in the midst of the transition from Mimi to Pap in fact.  Why?  When I think about that, Mom being dawn and Dad being dusk feels pretty natural.

The passing on a calendar of a day doesn’t really cause me any extra stress.  I don’t need to be reminded; I never forgot.  But I have had a stressful week otherwise.  I know that weight loss can cause hormonal issues, so I’m not sure if that is what has been going on, but I have been all over the place mentally.  And I lack the patience I usually have.  Everyone else has managed to make that about themselves, and I cannot help that.  Sometimes I just need space and quiet.  On paper it would seem like I have those things.  In practice, I do not.  I’m not entirely sure how to set proper boundaries anymore.

[Walk #59]