This morning brought on a sense of calm I was missing for a couple of days.  I slept so well.  My legs felt drained and my mind clear.  Brent has the thermostat set really low, almost too cold to be comfortable.  But it makes sleep easy, and I felt like I could breath all night.  My morning felt hopeful after that.

Last night, I spent hours talking to cousins again.  It’s what one does when they haven’t spent time with people in many years.  It was such a nice talk, but I did keep getting little reminders of how different our worldviews are.  I was already aware of everyone’s fairly—or extremely—conservative views, but sometimes it came up in off-putting ways.  I think the euphoria of the first day needed—demanded in fact—that kind of grounding.  I don’t want to move forward in my relationship with my family members with some kind of façade layered on everything.  They are real, tangible, flawed.  All of that is what I appreciate most about them.  I am all of those things too, and I would assume they’d feel similar about views I hold that oppose their own.  I don’t voice those things though.  I can handle being in a competitive talking environment, but I’m a spectator and not a participant.

We might stay here another day.  That’s fine, but I didn’t pack clothes for that exactly. There is a washer & dryer here, so I could use that.  I’ve been trying to stay here very gently.  I don’t want to take up too much space or use things in the house.  I realize Dad’s cousin is never here anymore, so she doesn’t care.  But I know her.  I know how she is and how she feels about things that I have trouble getting on board with.  It’s Sunday and even in agreement there were guilt trips concerning going to service at her church this morning.  I avoided her and the topic altogether.  I didn’t pack for that, and I’m not really interested.  I still might get dragged there, but I’d rather not.  And I don’t want to feel guilty for that.  I have the reasons I have for the decisions I make.  And I won’t take judgment for that.  So, we’re staying at her house.  I don’t want to be disrespectful when I know me being here would bother her.  It’s a weird position to be in.  She’s always been like that though.  I’m not coming to a new understanding; I’m just realizing what that means when it comes to asking for her hospitality.  That said, she’d give it if I asked.

[Walk #123]