I’m trying to shift my thinking.  A few weeks ago I was happy in my ignorance about my future.  I’ve been there before; sometimes it’s nice to just know that you’re about to let the wind take you and to not be all that concerned with the outcome.  But as soon as I was presented with a plan, I started to settle on it and when it looked like that would no longer be possible, I felt like something had been taken from me, forgetting how recently I had been content to ride the wind.  So, let’s reset and regroup.  I’m not interested in the kinds of stress I was allowing in.  I need to remember myself.

I do not know where I will end up once we sell the house and move on.  And at this point, I’m not sure I want to know.  This morning I was thinking about how much I’ll miss living out here in some ways.  It’s not my dream, and it is very inconvenient to me, but it is nice and peaceful.  We are on the corner of Fairgrounds Rd & Burris Rd.  The house across Fairgrounds is nostalgic to me.  My grandpa used to take us on drives on the gravel roads of Payne County on this side of Stillwater.  We might end up driving through Glencoe or Pawnee or Morrison before returning, but that house was one of the landmarks I remember from then; it’s one of the few things that has been the same for all these years.  Most of the houses out here are much newer.  It was at first a little surreal living across the street from that house.  It’s almost like having an old imaginary friend move in down the street.  It existed in my mind, but I had no reason to drive out here before my parents moved here, so I didn’t know if my memory was real or if it was all a creation of my mind.  It’s not a particularly interesting house.  There’s nothing fantastical or noteworthy about it, but for many years it was just a part of those moments spent with Papa, and more recently it’s where the people with the horses that like to escape live.  And soon I’ll leave this place and I won’t see it all the time.  And I wonder if I’ll still remember it fondly or if it has lost its meaning.

I think walking has been good for me.  Sure, it’s been great for my physical health, but I think it has helped me mentally.  It is often over-emphasized that walking is good for mental health, but it’s not wrong.  It seems to allow my brain to sort things out.  I wonder if there is something unique about the action of walking or is it the traversing of a distance.  I’m going to be joining a gym soon and doing my walking there much of the time; I wonder if I will see the same benefits in mental health or if I need to be out in the world.  I used to do an hour of walking daily at a gym in Anchorage, Alaska.  I wasn’t in the same place mentally when I started, so I don’t know that I noticed any shifts.  After spending years depressed, anything was going to feel monumental, but the walking has helped quite a bit.

I’m not sure what to do to get started with running, but I am interested if it is possible.  I tried it for a minute during my walk, but felt like it was too jarring when I hit the ground.  Maybe I’m just not used to it, but it was unpleasant.  It felt doable in general otherwise.  It didn’t hurt or cause my to not be able to breathe, which had been my primary concern.  I’ll look into it.  It seems weird that I couldn’t just start running.  I feel unequipped.  But I also am slightly amazed that I’m even interested in trying it out.  I keep saying it, but it is true: I cannot believe that one year ago I could barely walk at all and now I want to walk everywhere.  

[Walk #88]