Discipline.  I keep repeating that to myself, holding onto it like a bird struggling to fly away from my grip.  I don’t know if I’ve always craved discipline, or if my newly rekindle relationship with myself is fueling some changes that make me want to structure my life a little more.  It’s like I want to add supports to prop everything up just in case it starts to slip again.  

I set an alarm for the first time in years.  I don’t actually need an alarm to wake me in the morning, but sometimes I sleep until almost 6:00am, but then I feel disappointed that I didn’t start walking at 5:15, so I just set an alarm.  I have been thinking about structuring my morning more as a schedule I have to follow rather than a loose set of activities I want to accomplish with no real set times to get those things done.

My schedule, roughly, before today

4:30am–8:00am: wake up (normally between 5:30 & 6:30)

morning:  outdoor walk

after walk:  shower, weigh-in, coffee, breakfast, writing

some time during the day:  meditation probably, food logging maybe, more writing, etc… lots and lots of etc and misc.

Honestly that has been working for me, especially as I got more and more into taking care of my body.  I wasn’t been so regimented about the whole process, but I am increasingly wanting a great deal more discipline and structure.  I’ll try to work on outlining something in the next day or two.

The dawn felt delicate today, like I needed to handle the sky gently so as not to damage it.  Yesterday felt robust and sturdy in retrospect.  Was it the color of the light breaking over the horizon or the clouds or if it was all an illusion based on my own state of mind?  It’s so difficult to know for sure where the feeling came from, but I didn’t dare pick up the sky at all.

[Walk #87]