mostly personal, not too terribly health focused

I need to learn how to set boundaries and demand that those boundaries are respected.  And it isn’t as though I don’t try.

I’ve been staring at the screen waiting for permission to feel the way I feel.  I’m not sure why…

I’m frustrated.  Yesterday was mentally exhausting, but maybe ultimately revealing.  I’m neither the person everyone wants me to be, nor am I interested in becoming that person.  Some folks have decided they know how I need to be, how I need to live, how I need to dress, who I need to spend my time with.  I am 44 years old.  I don’t understand where they found the audacity to act this way towards me.  And absolutely every time I express my concerns or try and set some sort of boundary, I’m shut down.  My feelings aren’t valid, or what I’ve said is entirely dismissed.  It’s so frustrating to feel such a huge lack of respect.

I’m trying to clear out my parents’ house.  I spent six months begging for help before I decided that I would need to do most everything myself.  But I couldn’t physically.  It was part of why I needed to lose weight, and after I started losing I started packing.  The house was full, the shed–a 20’x60’ enormous space was completely packed with stuff.  And I went through it, and I threw things out for months.  I went through every bit of the lives of several people, deciding what was important and what to get rid of.  It was an emotionally taxing event, and often genuinely a struggle.  In a lot of ways it was the nostalgia that was difficult, but mostly it was the solitary nature of it all.  It didn’t feel warm in the way reminiscing should.  It felt lonely because I was doing it alone.  I’ve been making a lot of decisions alone & neither of my brothers seems like they are interested in really dealing with some of this stuff.  One is in a hurry to sell everything and move on, which I understand.  We do need to do that.  I just think he does that at the expense of both my feelings and at the expense of my ability to keep some of my own things, which he has suggested I just get rid of.  And I’m not exactly sure why I should have to.  The other hasn’t been ready to deal with much of anything for a while now.  He does have some health issues, but he doesn’t really make much of an effort, seemingly waiting for someone to show up and do all of his living for him.  He is as dismissive, but also has a sense of entitlement about other people’s time, trying to employ guilt to get everyone to wait on him.  Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation, and are a sign of disfunction.  DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THEM.

I’m sure I will be fine in the end.  I’m sure everything will work out.  I’m looking forward to some new places to do my daily walks.  I’m looking forward to being near enough to a gym that I can go there for some consistency when it’s too hot or too cold outside.  I’m looking forward to creating my own life and not being held back by people who never put their own lives on hold for me.  I don’t owe them that either, and I really need to stop believing that I do.

[Walk #86]